In Honor of Suicide Prevention Month ♥️
There are some topics one may attempt to tackle but don’t even know where to begin, and suicide and depression are those things for me: topics so universal yet contain experiences so unique to every person. Everybody has once struggled with their mental health, or at least knows somebody who has. September is Suicide Prevention Month, and it hits even harder being a freshman in college. My high school had a serious mental health crisis, but it was something each and every student understood and gave grace toward. We were all in the same academically brutal environment while simultaneously dealing with other issues in our lives: familial, medicinal, relationships, friendships, and so much more. But, at least there was this shared understanding among all of our peers that we were in it together. This Suicide Prevention Month hits a little harder this year since I’m in an environment in which most of the students here do not have the same understanding of mental health crisises. I spent most of all of my senior year of high school struggling with my mental health, depression and anxiety, which gives me a lot to reflect on this Suicide Prevention Month, and not many people who understand my perspective and experiences with mental health.
This Suicide Prevention Month, I want to emphasize checking in on your friends and finding small ways to look out for your loved ones, because it is oftentimes extremely difficult to spot somebody who is actively struggling with their mental health. It was my senior year. It was the coolest I’d ever felt in my entire life, but, simultaneously, the most terrible. I was struggling with depression and anxiety from August to October and January to June. The stress and the constant anxiety made some sense during the first semester because I was applying to college and grappling with the fear of rejection and leaving home, and I truly believed that once I committed to a college the feeling would go away. I spent most of every day so inexplicably sad, and the only person who ever knew about it was my best friend. I was so constantly miserable and felt so helpless. Second semester rolled around and I was in all these classes I'd been waiting to take since I was 13 years old, still best friends with my girls since middle school, committed to my dream school, and in an amazing relationship; it felt as though I had zero reason to feel as sad as I did, and yet, I spent every second of what was supposed to be the happiest months of my life with a pit in my stomach. But, this time, nobody knew – at least not until May. I was so embarrassed to admit my depression was back, and that I needed help then more than ever. I was supposed to be strong and have everything figured out, and I didn’t.
With this being said, you would’ve never known all of what I was going through. I came to school dressed nicely and with a smile on my face. I was an editor on my school’s newspaper, tech for the musical, head fanatic, and editor-in-chief of a magazine I founded, and I fulfilled all of these roles entirely and proudly despite feeling a constant sense of impending doom. I would fill my days to the brim just to avoid the pit in my stomach I'd face when I’d finally be alone and have to tackle everything I was battling mentally. And this is what I looked like:
And these are the events I had:
And this is what I accomplished:
On paper, I had every reason to be happy. I wasn’t, and that was that. You would’ve never been able to tell, and most people couldn’t. I continued to pour every ounce of love I had to offer into the people around me, even though I was struggling to love myself. I chose peace and empathy in a time in which I truly believed there was no way I would be able to pick myself up. And some days I couldn’t. I would be so stressed, forget to eat, drink water, or sleep, and spend most of my days bed ridden or at the doctors for it, but nobody would’ve ever known. I was the same loving, caring, and driven girl everybody knew. And now I see depression differently, because struggling doesn’t always look like falling apart.
And if you’re currently struggling with your mental health, please know that you are not alone. Reach out to somebody, reach out to me. There are so many people in this world that would rather listen to you now and guide you now than catch you further down the line. Remind yourself of what makes you happy, and what you find beautiful in this life. Read. Sit out in the sun. Prioritize yourself.
And for everybody else: Check in on your friends. Tell them you love them. Remind them of their importance in your life, in the world. Tell them when you think of them. Hug them. Take care of them.
All my love,
Eila
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